Girls Should Hate Me

Girls keep slapping me.  And I’m a nice sensitive boy.  i wanna write angsty poetry, but I simply cant find the words.

Here are two instances of vaginal violence:

So I ask this nice cute girl if she knows how to read.  She assures me that she does, and then questions if I know how to read.  I have a hunch that shes lying, so I ask her who her favorite author is.  She responds “Ceeeentral Jerrrseeey” and then i said i thought she might be retarded. And then she slapped me

Then this enormous calved asian bitch slapped me because i guess she liked me. and i told her i was a 14 year old high school freshman. and then i kept calling her woman. and then she slapped me     At least she didnt kick me, lest I be slain by her impressive calves.

Hi MarkG,I love your site, I was wondering if I could just submit a posty-wosty or
twoski?Love,Edvar Cullenheimen
Here she is:
Heyyy faithful GirlsShouldLoveMeButInsteadJustWannaBeFriends.com readers!!! I’ve
been reading this blog like NONstop for idkk four weeks or so and I just can’t get
enough. I LITERALLY wake every morning with morningwood, not for the
cutey-with-a-booty next door but for this site and this site only.So basically here’s
my story. I’m like the real chivalrous type, ya know? I just ADORE opening doors for
girls, giving up my seat in class and singing Jack Johnson to them while they finger
themselves to the rhythm of me strumming my guitar (it’s a six string Fender, super
old-school but super BOLD school, ya know?). Girls are ALWAYS really touchy with
me. Sometimes they ask for hugs or massages or piggy backs but all I really wanna do
is like stick my lil piggy below the small of their backs, ya know? So, like,
they’re really friendly with me but whenever I whip out Piglet (as he’s
affectionately named (5 whopping inches, BITCH)), they always rub me softly on the
back (not of my penis, you perv!) and say “Sorry Edvar Cullenheimen, you can’t put
your “Cullen” in my hymen, I just wanna be your friend.” So obvsss I’m like “ouch”
internally but externally I still gotta be Edvar, ya know? So I pretend like
nothing’s wrong but on the inside I’m singing Damien Rice and other really sad
songs. But yaa, this site is just a really good place for boys like me who don’t get
any “sticky fingers” or “blue balls” or any of that riff raff. It’s good to just
kinda unload my sperm of sorrow all over this website and jizz my sadness on, in and
around all of you guys. Metaphorically of course.So to the makers of
GirlsShouldLoveMeButInsteadJustWannaBeFriends.com: thank you so so so so much for
creating a place for the friend-zone-confined boys of the world! It’s really
reassuring to know that I’m not the only one out there who wants to fuck in a
McDonalds parking lot, and get tiny cuts on the tip of my Piglet, and make out with
girls who are on the phone with their boyfriends, and make girls cry b/c I won’t
have sex with them, but simply don’t have the resources, dick size, vocabulary or
girls to do so.And to the bloggers and story tellers on the site: keep not fucking
bitches! Abstinence fo evaaaa!
<33333 always and forever,Edvar Cullenheimen

Go out with my boy James, his roommate lloyd, alex, and this kid Cam.  We go to a frat party.  I walk up to these girls outside,  and ask them if its good.  They say its not.  They compare it to an overcrowded pickle jar.  well actually they didnt, I just did.

We keep going, on to the next frat.  As were walking, we see a sorority house.  James looks over at me and goes “dude lets try to get in there” .  Sororities here don’t have open parties.  There were just a few people on the balcony.  I am hesitant.  Cam bets us 250 dollars each that we cant get in.  Lol.

Me and James walk up to the house.  Some girl sees us from the balcony and yells “We love you, but get the fuck off our property”.  Lol.  Wat these girlies didn’t know was that your boy Marky was well learned in the art of winning friends and influencing sorority bitches.  I yell back like this “We love this sorority,  we fucking love you guys”

She responds “Oh…well then come up”  Me and James run up to the door.  These two girls come down to let us up.   They let us in.  Theyre nice to us.  One of the girls has a hat with a penis on it.  Its short and veiny.  I point out that she has a dick on her head.  She acts offended. They lead us up the stairs, a small pregame is taking place.  I start introducing myself to everyone.   James calls dibs on the only hot girl there.  Il be honest, I was mad as a negro who just got called the n-word.  But he apologized later.  Whatever, I don’t hold grudges.  Yes I do.  But not this time.  I start talking to these two girls,  giving my boy ample time to work his seductive charm.  “vaginal wizardry” if you will.  Anyway.  Im like alright, im making contacts in this sorority..  We ask were theyre going.  They say theyre going to a bar, ask us if we have fakes.  Theyre all old.  James is a sophomore, I tell them im a sophomore.  In fact I am a freshman.  Anyway, we exchange numbers,  they tell us to text them later, and we’ll go to a house party together.

Anyway, we leave.  Were walking towards another frat.  We pass these girls on the way.  Your boy Marky is very similar to a dragon, in the sense that he spits fire.

Anyway, I start the mack express.  One girl says she hates me.  I pull her into me.  We branch off from the rest of the group.  Were walking arm in arm.  I ask her if she wants to hear a joke.  She says she does.  This joke is my trademark, it goes as follows :“What did one ocean say to the other?…nothing, they waved”.  She responds to this by calling me a faggot.  Its hit or miss I guess.

Her:  You’re a faggot

Me: absolutely

Her:  You suck your roommates dick

Me:  Ya, he cums on my face

Her: Ya he does

Me:…I know

Her:  He fucks you up the ass

Me : I bet you get fucked up the ass

(Ok I have a boner at this point)

Her: you like it more

Me: no you do.

Her: your such an asshole

Me:  you’re a little bitch

We make eye contact, and kiss.  The aforementioned dialogue was roughly as romantic as it reads.  We continue to talk shit to each other.  She calls me an asshole, faggot, douchebag, amongst other things.  I call her a bitch, cunt, whore and slut.  Were making out hard at this point.  I’m pulling her hair really hard, i’m being rough with her.  We’ve branched off from our friends.  I tell her that im gonna pull her behind one of the bushes and fuck her.  She tells me I wouldn’t do that.   I tell her I would fuck her on the sidewalk.  I pull her next to a house.  Its dark.  She takes off her pants, I take off mine.  Whip about my Johnson.  Im standing tall like yao ming.  I tell her to put her mouth on it.  She wants to, but would rather fuck.  I’m like okay, I need time to find a condom.  While shes giving me head, im looking through my wallet for a condom. I find it.  Give it to her.  Shes trying to put it on, but cant.  She gets frustrated and throws it somewhere.  Drunk girls are wildly intelligent.  Im like  “Im not gonna fuck you without a condom.”  She tells me to just pullout.  Lol.  Its wild that a girl would risk getting pregnant just to fuck some guy she met 15 minutes ago.  I contemplate putting it in her ass.  I realize thought that would prevent her from getting pregnant, what it wouldn’t do is prevent me from getting aids.  I put my pants on.  I tell her to put her pants on.

We start walking, this girl is near tears.   She tells me that if I don’t want to fuck her, I should just leave. I try to leave,  She runs after me.  She Gets in front of me, blocks my path.  Shes crying.  I’ll be honest, I’d never seen a girl so distraught about not having sex.  I grew worried.  At this point I sent the following string of texts to James.

12:41   Where are you guys.  This bitch wants to fuck me no condom.

12:44   This bitch is crazy.  Help me.

12:46   No seriously please this bitch is gonna rape me

12:49   James wat the fuck where are you.  I need help

At this point, shes begging me to come to her room.  She says she has condoms in her room.  You may be wondering  Marky what the fuck, why didn’t you just have sex with her you nerd.  I was hammered, but this girl had the unfortunate combination of being both drunk and wildly unintelligent.  She would literally cross busy intersections without looking.  I must have saved this girls life, pulling her away from cars like 5 times.

She starts crying,  im trying to calm her down. I tell her il walk her to her dorm.  She demands that I come in.  I tell her I wont come in.  She is displeased.  Thankfully, James and Cam come meet me.  I run away from her to them.  She yells something at me.   I tell James that  this girl is gonna kill herself.  James offers to talk to her.  Hes a swell boy.  He tells her that I’m scarred because I got a girl pregnant last year, and she had to get an abortion.  She tells him that she hates me.  Allegedly because I called her a cunt.  Anyway, James talks to her for like a half hour, and calms her down.  Shes on her way.  Hes half alpha male half Doctor Phil.

We go back to my room and drink more.  James  calls an escort.  No seriously.  They want to charge 300 for an hour.  James is also well learned in how to win friends and influence people.  He tries to bargain the price down to 200.  But no go.

Lloyd told us that there were clouds of alcohol in space.  So James decided to write a book called how to win alcohol and influence clouds, to be based on the principles of how to win friends and influence people.

In other news, me and James peed on the stairs in my building.   That’s all.

Update:  At the time I was skeptical,  but there are in fact clouds of alcohol in space.  http://www.physorg.com/news63346824.html

My boy down the hall sent this to me.

Ight, let me give you some details before i spit my story. My junior year i started to date this short blonde chick and continued going out with her for a year. We broke up senior year in september cause i wanted to bang other chicks. Baddddd break up didnt take it to well. whatev fuck it. so i started making my rounds to other girls and shit. then one weekend this girl had a huge party, another cute short girl brunette. It was her house and i didnt really know her then.

My ex girlfriend was actually there. didnt bother me, so i hooked up with that cute brunette. the ex had no clue. anyway me and that brunette started to text and shit. I started fucking her, she became a bootycall, no relationship at all. So id say about 3 months or so went by. i still fucked her once in a while.   Let me just add so when i broke up with my ex i couldnt party with her friends anymore cause it was awkward, but finally after like 3 months they invited me out.

My ex was there, and she was being cool, not really talking to me but didnt care i was there.  I wasnt bothering her.  Id say it was around midnight and the party was still going. My friend passed out early on the couch downstairs puking and shit. so i went down to check on him, and this other girl with fucking twin cannons (we will call her zila for the story, haha theres a reason behind that) came down stairs cause she was on the phone with her boyfriend trying to get away from all the noise. Well, she saw me and we started smiling at eachother and shit. and i started flirting with her while she was still on the phone and she was loving it. We started making out while shes on the phone and she ended up hanging up on her boyfriend. Before i continue, i have to add a detail i forgot to mention which is crucial. This girl  is best friends with my fuck buddy at the time who is in love with me, and is on the swimteam and wicked good friends with my ex girlfriend. so anyway back to the story. We went in the other room and started hooking up, and then she stops and says im sorry i cant do this im friends with your ex and shit its just not right shes upstairs this isnt the right time.   So we stopped.

later in the night i still wanted to get laid, so at around two i went and found my ex, and told her i missed her and shit. She said the same and we ended up fucking that night. , None of these girls had any idea about the other two.   I thought I had pulled it off.  They all found out later and i got screamed at but who cares i got it done.

Whatsup fellow pussy lovers. Its me again. The douche bag who wrote about fucking a girl in the parking lot of a McDonalds. I have recently acquired a new story to regale you all with; by recently, I mean the ending of the story happened 7 minutes ago. Huuurrr it iz
So I’m in Israel right now. Theres a lot of girls in Israel, especially Israeli girls…I havn’t hooked up with any Israelis…my Hebrews atrocious; when I try to speak to the natives, they get upset. Whatever im not phased. I digress. So Im at my apartment tonight when a girl who lives in my apartment building gives me a call. She says it like this. “hey im eating right now but can I come over later.” I responded with a romantic and generous answer, “no.” She laughs because she assumes im just teasing her…I really didn’t want her to come. Whatever. So she comes over and we relax. My roommates are here and she brought 2 of her roommates. While everyone else was watching a movie in the living room, I prepared myself for quite the endeavor. I knew it’d be dangerous, but I had to pull it off…I took my pants off, tucked my balls and shaft all the way through my legs so that if you looked at me from behind it’d look like I had colitis. Ha. Ew. I run into the room, and begin to do my ‘mangina’ dance. It was funny and gross…I actually look like I have a vagina. If I wore solos and did that, I’d have a camel toe like all those Latinas at the train station. Whatever. Everyone laughs and all the guys follow suit..what a trend setter I am. I than begin to creep up behind my girl with my half erect penis completely out. I then decide to lightly tap her in the face with it..she calls me names and acts really upset..i laugh and tell her to have sex with me. She gives me a dirty look…what a whore. So the night goes on, with me forcing her to watch squirting porn, black porn, and of course, Jenna Hayes porn. Anyway. So I bring this slut into my room and start kissing her and what not. I start rubbing my dick against her vagina, but my dicks in my pants and her vaginas in her shorts..i think im the man because she starts moaning..she wouldn’t fake it right? Fuck you fag. Whatever. So I do this exaggerated rubbing thing for way too long, and I soon realize that the tip of my dick is extremely sore….fuck. Now there is a big cut on the tip of my dick. she begins the blow job. Props to her because it was great, but holy shit, getting head with a sensitive spot on the top of your dick is extremely painful…my asshole was clenched the whole time (also because I had to shit and fart really bad). Oh! I forgot to mention, I had worked out immediately prior to this whole affair, and did not take a shower upon my return home so this slut is giving me head with a cut dick and probably the worst crotch rot known to man kind…im so generous..shes fuckin gross. Ew. After I finally got over the pain on the tip of my phalas, I realized I hadn’t masturbated in a week (don’t ask it’s a long story involving Israel, heat rash, and heat rash) so after about 15 minutes I erupted with more force than Mt. Vesuvius…she seemed shocked and turned on..i was no longer turned on. I walked her to the door, and even opened it for her..she asked me to walk her to her apartment…I laughed. She begged me for a good 9 minutes (fuckin cunt, she coulda been back at her apartment 8 minutes ago if she just left herself). She proceeds to send me ‘upset’ text messages about not walking her back and stray cats or something. Whatever. She got cum all up and around her…hehehehahahah. Alright guys. Hope you enjoyed. Stay tuned.
-ya boi

Im a little bit of an insensitive jerk

I dont remember any of this.  But my phone does.

her: come to our room well drink and chill
Me: ya ok wat room number well come up
Her: 1018 come up. but no ghetto jokes
Me: Im drunk. I wanna fuck you up the bum. Interested?
Her: No come chill and lets drink togetha!!
Me: So is that a yes
Her: Come here and lets drink
Me: Shutup slut
Her: WTF!! come here right now and say that shit to my face
Me: Im looking to fuck you right now bent over right up the ass
Her: Come here and call me a slut! Dont be saying shit like that
Me: Have you ever read a book? Like ever?

Im best friends with the creator of this site. It is what it is. Im going to share a sex story with all of you. You should read it.

So get this, I was at a coaches meeting for a youth sports tournament to be held in New York. There were a lot o fucking people at this meeting.   All of these coaches had to be present so that they could hear about the importance of good sportsmanship and shit. Whatever. So im at this faggot ass meeting when I see a cutie seated across from me. She wants my dick. I decide to smile at her. Oh now she really wants my dick. Ha whatever. So I send her some signals which include more smiling and other weird gay shit. At the conclusion of this cock sucker meeting I go up to this bitch right. I want her to know I don’t take shit from nobody so I say it to her like this. “hi um you look really pretty and I’d love to take you out to dinner maybe if you want”…..ha!! yea right I didn’t say that shit. I approached her and asked her name…it was Jamal..naw it aint. It was Rachel. So we’re talkin and getting along, walking back to our cars, and when I get to my car she says “your not even going to give me your number?”. At that point I was like YOOOo!!! SHES A WHORE!!! (if only I knew). So check it. I give her my number. She gives me hers. I give her a hug and get the fuck outa there.

I didn’t eat dinner yet and I had to buy marijuana…can’t deal with this bull shit. So im driving on the highway, 10 minutes away from where I get my dank ass bud, when I get a call…it’s the fuckin skank! So I pick up and she told it to me..she said, hey wanna meet up? And I was like yea sure lets chill at the rest stop after exit 22b. shes down. So I get there before her, and realize…fuck! I don’t have any condoms….so I run into the store and buy myself some durex (durex is very comfortable on my tiny dick). So I go back to my car, and she pulls up…hahahahaha shes in a mini van. Im like yo im not gonna fuck this bitch in my tiny ass piece of shit car when shes in a mini van. So I get out and tell her to open up the door…shes obliges. I get in, and yea im a little nervous…I know I talk a big game but damn sometimes it’s a little scary ya know…then I said this one in my head “Fuck it” and I went in for it…shes all for it dude. After a long 17 seconds of making out, I told her to get her ass in the back seat…she got back there so fast, if I didn’t know better I woulda thought there was something amazing back there….like a swiss cheese omelet with some tomatoes, peppers and onions. So I get back there with her. I put my hand down her pants and start DJing like Tiesto or some shit…shes moanin like a bitch (I know im good but im not THAT good). So my boy who created this site knows I love the vagina, so this’ll come as no surprise to him that I decided to eat this bitch out….fuck….this was the grossest vagina id ever come across…..i don’t even think my tounge touched it before I gagged…I came back up so quick I almost put my head through the roof. Whatever. Fuck you.

So then im like, yo get the rest of your clothes off and suck my dick. Now remember, at this point we’re both naked, im getting a nice blow job , and we’re in a mini van in the middle of a crowded parking lot of a McDonalds rest stop on the highway! So after a couple minutes I pull my dick out of her mouth, slide my durex on and start fuckin this bitch. Shes screaming like Im black or something….im not…I tell her to shutup so no one eating their quarter pounders with cheese will hear us…she doesn’t shut up…I finish, take the condom off, throw it out the window, ask for some gum, give her a little peck on the cheek (she sucked my dick I don’t want my dick juice in my mouth) and peaced…

There ya go everyone. That’s my story. Just to fill you in, I did end up getting some dank ass weed, and the next time I saw that bitch…the creator of this site and I double teamed her….we’re fucking jerks (he made me a jerk, I used to be a nice boy)

Peace fags

So my friend just sent me this story about his first night at the University of Wisconsin.

… so. My first night at wisco my friend is like “yo wanna come to this girls apartment that i know from home?” So we go to her apartment (shes a sophomore).  We start drinking and by the time we get ready to leave I’m solidly drunk. Then we walk mad far to this party on the other end of campus and stay there for only like 20 minutes because cops came apparently. But while there I drank like 4 or 5 cans worth of beers- I was chugging like a babe- and i also pissed of the balcony which was like three floors up.

Anyway, afterward, we went to another party where I drank more but I have no idea how much. We just kinda chilled there for a while and then left, and this is when crazy shit happens. So we’re walking back and my friends friend (Sam) retartedly tries to jump on a moving train. My friend (Ken) like tackled her but some cops were watching and approached us. They start talking to ken and sam while I was just chilling like 15 feet away. Ken said I was just like smiling and shit so he motioned for me to get away, and so I walked away.

Ken and Sam got breathalyzed and shit but whatever the cops only gave them a warning. But afterward they were like shit where’s Tucker so they looked for me but couldn’t find me so they figured I went back to my dorm. but what had actually happened was that I ducked into some trees, and walked like another quarter mile away. And on the way for some fucking reason I took off my shoes, jacket, and hat. Don’t forget that I totally blacked out, so I only know this shit from people telling me and from deductive fucking reasoning. But I also emptied my pockets- maybe i thought it’d make me faster while avoiding the cops i was getting away from, who the fuck knows. But that meant that I lost my phone, room key, and wallet with my credit card, bank card, school id, and some cash.

So after walking that random quarter mile I ended up at some engineering building and found a heater and snuggled up next to it, and passed out. Oh and at some point during my walk I puked, and got it all over my shorts. So I’m sleeping at this heater when I’m awoken by a cop and his partner and they start questioning me. They’re like what are you doing with no shoes looking like a homeless dude sleeping on the street and I’m like “I’m lost?” Then I have to tell them I don’t have my id or phone or anything and they’re like wow you’re a fag and they breathalize me, but because I’m retarded I dont close my lips around it and so I have to do it again. When I do it right I blow a .107. I woke up drunk.  So then they ask if i know what time it is and i’m like midnight or a little after i would guess. Then they’re like dude what the fuck it’s like six in the morning, and i’m clearly retarded because I couldn’t see the sun coming up. And then they write me a citation for $263.50 and a non-mandatory court date. Then they drive me back to my dorm (after lecturing me for a while) and because i lost my key have to wake up some staff person to let me in to my room (talk about an awkward elevator ride). I fell asleep for a little then all the while tweakin out that i lost everything.

And thats my story. Ken and Sam ended up going back to look for my shit and found it, and some construction worker had found my phone and wallet, but i never found my key. And so i have to pay sixty bucks for a new key, and 263.50 for that fucking citation. Oh, and I went back with ken and we found the dead grass where I had puked haha. Shit…