Girls Should Hate Me

So my friend just sent me this story about his first night at the University of Wisconsin.

… so. My first night at wisco my friend is like “yo wanna come to this girls apartment that i know from home?” So we go to her apartment (shes a sophomore).  We start drinking and by the time we get ready to leave I’m solidly drunk. Then we walk mad far to this party on the other end of campus and stay there for only like 20 minutes because cops came apparently. But while there I drank like 4 or 5 cans worth of beers- I was chugging like a babe- and i also pissed of the balcony which was like three floors up.

Anyway, afterward, we went to another party where I drank more but I have no idea how much. We just kinda chilled there for a while and then left, and this is when crazy shit happens. So we’re walking back and my friends friend (Sam) retartedly tries to jump on a moving train. My friend (Ken) like tackled her but some cops were watching and approached us. They start talking to ken and sam while I was just chilling like 15 feet away. Ken said I was just like smiling and shit so he motioned for me to get away, and so I walked away.

Ken and Sam got breathalyzed and shit but whatever the cops only gave them a warning. But afterward they were like shit where’s Tucker so they looked for me but couldn’t find me so they figured I went back to my dorm. but what had actually happened was that I ducked into some trees, and walked like another quarter mile away. And on the way for some fucking reason I took off my shoes, jacket, and hat. Don’t forget that I totally blacked out, so I only know this shit from people telling me and from deductive fucking reasoning. But I also emptied my pockets- maybe i thought it’d make me faster while avoiding the cops i was getting away from, who the fuck knows. But that meant that I lost my phone, room key, and wallet with my credit card, bank card, school id, and some cash.

So after walking that random quarter mile I ended up at some engineering building and found a heater and snuggled up next to it, and passed out. Oh and at some point during my walk I puked, and got it all over my shorts. So I’m sleeping at this heater when I’m awoken by a cop and his partner and they start questioning me. They’re like what are you doing with no shoes looking like a homeless dude sleeping on the street and I’m like “I’m lost?” Then I have to tell them I don’t have my id or phone or anything and they’re like wow you’re a fag and they breathalize me, but because I’m retarded I dont close my lips around it and so I have to do it again. When I do it right I blow a .107. I woke up drunk.  So then they ask if i know what time it is and i’m like midnight or a little after i would guess. Then they’re like dude what the fuck it’s like six in the morning, and i’m clearly retarded because I couldn’t see the sun coming up. And then they write me a citation for $263.50 and a non-mandatory court date. Then they drive me back to my dorm (after lecturing me for a while) and because i lost my key have to wake up some staff person to let me in to my room (talk about an awkward elevator ride). I fell asleep for a little then all the while tweakin out that i lost everything.

And thats my story. Ken and Sam ended up going back to look for my shit and found it, and some construction worker had found my phone and wallet, but i never found my key. And so i have to pay sixty bucks for a new key, and 263.50 for that fucking citation. Oh, and I went back with ken and we found the dead grass where I had puked haha. Shit…