09.14
Go out with my boy James, his roommate lloyd, alex, and this kid Cam. We go to a frat party. I walk up to these girls outside, and ask them if its good. They say its not. They compare it to an overcrowded pickle jar. well actually they didnt, I just did.
We keep going, on to the next frat. As were walking, we see a sorority house. James looks over at me and goes “dude lets try to get in there” . Sororities here don’t have open parties. There were just a few people on the balcony. I am hesitant. Cam bets us 250 dollars each that we cant get in. Lol.
Me and James walk up to the house. Some girl sees us from the balcony and yells “We love you, but get the fuck off our property”. Lol. Wat these girlies didn’t know was that your boy Marky was well learned in the art of winning friends and influencing sorority bitches. I yell back like this “We love this sorority, we fucking love you guys”
She responds “Oh…well then come up” Me and James run up to the door. These two girls come down to let us up. They let us in. Theyre nice to us. One of the girls has a hat with a penis on it. Its short and veiny. I point out that she has a dick on her head. She acts offended. They lead us up the stairs, a small pregame is taking place. I start introducing myself to everyone. James calls dibs on the only hot girl there. Il be honest, I was mad as a negro who just got called the n-word. But he apologized later. Whatever, I don’t hold grudges. Yes I do. But not this time. I start talking to these two girls, giving my boy ample time to work his seductive charm. “vaginal wizardry” if you will. Anyway. Im like alright, im making contacts in this sorority.. We ask were theyre going. They say theyre going to a bar, ask us if we have fakes. Theyre all old. James is a sophomore, I tell them im a sophomore. In fact I am a freshman. Anyway, we exchange numbers, they tell us to text them later, and we’ll go to a house party together.
Anyway, we leave. Were walking towards another frat. We pass these girls on the way. Your boy Marky is very similar to a dragon, in the sense that he spits fire.
Anyway, I start the mack express. One girl says she hates me. I pull her into me. We branch off from the rest of the group. Were walking arm in arm. I ask her if she wants to hear a joke. She says she does. This joke is my trademark, it goes as follows :“What did one ocean say to the other?…nothing, they waved”. She responds to this by calling me a faggot. Its hit or miss I guess.
Her: You’re a faggot
Me: absolutely
Her: You suck your roommates dick
Me: Ya, he cums on my face
Her: Ya he does
Me:…I know
Her: He fucks you up the ass
Me : I bet you get fucked up the ass
(Ok I have a boner at this point)
Her: you like it more
Me: no you do.
Her: your such an asshole
Me: you’re a little bitch
We make eye contact, and kiss. The aforementioned dialogue was roughly as romantic as it reads. We continue to talk shit to each other. She calls me an asshole, faggot, douchebag, amongst other things. I call her a bitch, cunt, whore and slut. Were making out hard at this point. I’m pulling her hair really hard, i’m being rough with her. We’ve branched off from our friends. I tell her that im gonna pull her behind one of the bushes and fuck her. She tells me I wouldn’t do that. I tell her I would fuck her on the sidewalk. I pull her next to a house. Its dark. She takes off her pants, I take off mine. Whip about my Johnson. Im standing tall like yao ming. I tell her to put her mouth on it. She wants to, but would rather fuck. I’m like okay, I need time to find a condom. While shes giving me head, im looking through my wallet for a condom. I find it. Give it to her. Shes trying to put it on, but cant. She gets frustrated and throws it somewhere. Drunk girls are wildly intelligent. Im like “Im not gonna fuck you without a condom.” She tells me to just pullout. Lol. Its wild that a girl would risk getting pregnant just to fuck some guy she met 15 minutes ago. I contemplate putting it in her ass. I realize thought that would prevent her from getting pregnant, what it wouldn’t do is prevent me from getting aids. I put my pants on. I tell her to put her pants on.
We start walking, this girl is near tears. She tells me that if I don’t want to fuck her, I should just leave. I try to leave, She runs after me. She Gets in front of me, blocks my path. Shes crying. I’ll be honest, I’d never seen a girl so distraught about not having sex. I grew worried. At this point I sent the following string of texts to James.
12:41 Where are you guys. This bitch wants to fuck me no condom.
12:44 This bitch is crazy. Help me.
12:46 No seriously please this bitch is gonna rape me
12:49 James wat the fuck where are you. I need help
At this point, shes begging me to come to her room. She says she has condoms in her room. You may be wondering Marky what the fuck, why didn’t you just have sex with her you nerd. I was hammered, but this girl had the unfortunate combination of being both drunk and wildly unintelligent. She would literally cross busy intersections without looking. I must have saved this girls life, pulling her away from cars like 5 times.
She starts crying, im trying to calm her down. I tell her il walk her to her dorm. She demands that I come in. I tell her I wont come in. She is displeased. Thankfully, James and Cam come meet me. I run away from her to them. She yells something at me. I tell James that this girl is gonna kill herself. James offers to talk to her. Hes a swell boy. He tells her that I’m scarred because I got a girl pregnant last year, and she had to get an abortion. She tells him that she hates me. Allegedly because I called her a cunt. Anyway, James talks to her for like a half hour, and calms her down. Shes on her way. Hes half alpha male half Doctor Phil.
We go back to my room and drink more. James calls an escort. No seriously. They want to charge 300 for an hour. James is also well learned in how to win friends and influence people. He tries to bargain the price down to 200. But no go.
Lloyd told us that there were clouds of alcohol in space. So James decided to write a book called how to win alcohol and influence clouds, to be based on the principles of how to win friends and influence people.
In other news, me and James peed on the stairs in my building. That’s all.
Update: At the time I was skeptical, but there are in fact clouds of alcohol in space. http://www.physorg.com/news63346824.html