Girls Should Hate Me

Seriously homies.

Submit your stories, funny conversations, anything.

OR IMA GET REAL MAD, AND TITTY FUCK YOUR FATHER. wait wut?

markg@girlsshouldhateme.com

The title makes no gramatical sense

Last summer me and my best friend went to Montreal for a day.   Seriously, 6 hours drive up, 18 hour stay, 6 hour drive back.

–Montreal, summer 2008

We get there. it was a 6 hour drive im exhausted.  We get to our hotel.  Our room sucks.  Seriously,  90$ for one bed.  There was a cute french girl in the elevator. we are excited.  We go buy food at the grocery store.  We buy cereal.  Izekial cereal, bible quote and everything.  We go back and eat and drink alot of milk.  Then we walk around and buy beer.  We begin drinking said beer.   Apparently milk and beer dont mix.   I get nauseus.  I also get depressed.  Eddie is being loud and obnoxious, it doesnt help.  I feel sick and sad, I go to lay down.  I wanna cry.  We drove all the way here, and now I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.  I am bipolar.  I realize that coming to montreal and not going out would have been beyond retarded.  I get up, go to the bathroom and throw up, I feel better.  Eddie sees this, and decides that he wants a go.  He throws up better than me, I’m impressed.  I decide to try again.  This time I am more succesful, but still not as good as Eddie.  I dont feel depressed anymore.  I deem bulimia to be an effective anti-depressant.

We leave to go out.  We hear girls laughing in a neighboring room, we knock on their door.  They are meeting some friends at a club, and dont want to pregame with us.  They are from toronto and have crooked teeth.  I am wearing skinny jeans and a striped hugo boss shirt.  I suspect that I look like a faggot.

We walk around, and go to a bar.  They dont card us.  We drink many a thing.  Then we leave to go to a club,  They are all carding, and I am but a 17 yr old boy.  We go back to the bar to gather more liquid courage.  Once we feel properly courageus, we venture out again.    We see a club, with only girls in line.  we like this, so we get in this line.  When we get to the front, the bouncer giggles and tells us that its a male strip club.  The bouncer is big and bald.  He is also friendly, and tells us where other clubs are. We go to these clubs.  On the way there we see a cute girl.  She is far away, I ask Eddie if i should open her.  Then I sprint after her.

Me: i just thought you were really cute and i wanted to come talk to you.

Her: ooh I am french wee wee

I dont actually remember what she says.  I am well drunk.  She isnt interested.  Im not interested in baseball, to each his own.

We go to the first club, and get in line.  There is an affliction poser infront of us.  He is trying to             impress those around him with his comedic wordplay.  He is no comedian.  He is more likely a closet homosexual.  I mock him loudly,  he pretends not to hear me.

We get inside, and get onto the dance floor.  I am excited.  All the guys there look stupid, I smile, for I am pleased.  I go to the bar and get a shot of vodka.  I talk to a girl at the bar.  She was cute.  I yell something to her, it wasnt clever.

I see 2 girls dancing on a pole.  This intrigues me, as generally only hot girls dance on polls.  When they get down I approach them, with a hand on each of their lower backs.  Im  soo slick yo.   I talk to them and try to get Eddie to come over.  He doesnt want to.  I leave the girls and go talk to Eddie.  I ask him why he didnt come over, he informs me that the girls were hideous.  Ok then.

We go into another room.  There is a group of two girls. One is sitting down, the other is dancing in front of her.  Eddie approaches the seated one.  He has clever openers involving douchebags and friendship.  After about 5 seconds, the second girl grabs him by the collar.  I thought she was about to hook up with him.  I was well jelous.  But then I realized that she was well angry with him, and shoved him away.  I approach the seated girl immediately after.  The other girl has the same reaction to me as she had to Eddie.  She grabs me, and tries to push me.  Ha, shes a skinny lesbian.  I shove her gently, she stumbles back.  I walk away. OoOoOh Im sooo alpha.

This club is gay. we go to another.  I fumble with my ID, and the bouncer tells me I cant get in.  I ask him if he would let me in if I give him 10 dollars.  This is funny because I dont have a 10 dollar bill.  I dont think you can get change back on a bribe.  He says he’ll let me in for a 20.  I give him a 20.  This club is better.  I approach a girl and try to talk to her.  There is no way she can hear me.  She tells me she doesnt speak spanish. lol.  The club is really loud, nothing sticks.  I get rejected over and over again.  I learn my lesson,  be much more physical in a loud club.  We walk back to our hotel and pass out.

I remember the day when I realized that obscene vulgarity was at times effective in winning female affection.  It occured during a conversation over AIM with my friends cousin.   I wasn’t particularly interested in her, so everything that I said was in self amusement.  I was so amazed by the course that the conversation took, that I saved it.  Here are some gems from the aforementioned dialogue.

Me (9:46:32 PM): since yor my girlfriend, arent you worried that i have a persistent case of herpes both on my lips and on my genitals?
Her(9:46:51 PM): ewwww
Her (9:47:55 PM): you better be fuckin with me
Me (9:48:38 PM): there not that bad except for when they puss and shit. Then when we kiss herpe puss will get in ur mouth
Her (9:49:07 PM): ew stop thats gross
Me (9:49:30 PM): would you still love me if that were true?
Her (9:49:36 PM): haha no
Her (9:49:47 PM): ha…just tellin you honestly
Me (9:50:19 PM): …dont be shallow or anything
Her (9:50:46 PM): oh im not but thats just naaastyy

Her(9:52:41 PM): wait im reallyy slow and stupid and like dumb blondishh are you jokin
Me (9:53:14 PM): no…i seriously just told you that when we kiss, puss from my herpe sores will seep into your mouth
Her (9:53:34 PM): ew
Her (9:53:41 PM): i dont need like full out details
Her (9:53:44 PM): thanx though
Me (9:54:47 PM): i dont really have facial herpes
Me (9:54:51 PM): sorry to dissapoint
Her (9:55:00 PM): hah

Her(9:56:48 PM): seriously stop messin around with me
Her (9:56:56 PM): im relaly gullible and slow

Me (9:57:50 PM): u dont believe me
Me (9:58:04 PM): no
Me (9:58:06 PM): do you want me to photograph my pubic region and lips and send you a picture?
Her (9:58:14 PM): ew no
Her (9:58:26 PM): how come there not on your facebook pics
Me (9:59:15 PM): possibly because i dont have herpes?
Her (9:59:26 PM): so you lied to me
Me (10:00:24 PM): do you have any cool sexually transmitted diseases?
Her (10:00:44 PM): ew never
Me (10:00:54 PM): why?
Her (10:01:01 PM): cuz that shits nasty
Me (10:01:12 PM): its a matter of preference

Her (10:05:43 PM): your so cute
Her (10:06:00 PM): but i gotta bounce will you please text me though i wantta continue talkin to you
Her (10:06:06 PM): (her number)

The moral of this story, is….i dunno.  Talk about herpes I guess.

Creating this blog has been a longtime dream of mine.  Writing is one my biggest passions, as is reading, sitting alone in the dark, and receiving oral sex.

I just farted.  It smells atrocious.  Some people say that they like the smell of their own farts.  Uh ya.  I’m not one of them.